Fatty McFatterson.....and a bag of chips!

So, I have ceded defeat and have asked for a Bariatric Bypass surgery consult.....and just got my first call from the clinic; and have to attend my "first class" on Monday for whatever that may be about.....I honestly have no clue.

I have been overweight my entire life and..physically fit at various times throughout my life, even being overweight, and felt ok...but now I am not ok and the following things are impeding any real progress

1. Fibromyalgia and the severe chronic pain that accompanies that.
2. Ankylosing Spondylitis and the severe chronic pain that accompanies that.
3. Hypothyroidism and the metabolic difficulties that accompany that.

And I am tired....of being sick...and tired..and weighing far more than I should and I suppose I am grateful that the potential for surgery is in my future but I feel like a failure.

I feel like all of the diets, the cleanses, the fasting, the pills, nutritional supplements, the starving ....should have amounted to more; should have given me SOME reprieve from my pain, should have taken more than 5 lbs off of my frame at a time....but they never ever have.

This weight loss journey has taken a new turn and it terrifies me......I already feel so much shame about my invisible illnesses, now I need to add "gastric bypass" to the repertoire....

wish it didn't feel  like a failure, like the most humiliating thing I have ever done.....but it does.

And that makes me feel ...like Fatty McFatterson, the "lazy, bon bon eating, fatty who cannot say no to sugar"....

I will try to reinvent how I feel about this, about how I treat myself, about how to process this.....but for now, it just makes me feel blue.

hopefully I will find the joy in this journey.

How WORTHY am I?

Today I sit in my new house, which I had to purchase because I could no longer do the three flights of stairs in my old condo/townhouse...and I love the new house. Everything I need to access is on the main level and it is awesome........

What isn't awesome...is that I have been off work since Feb 2015 due to the chronic pain associated with my Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia.  It has been a harrowing year. I got married in July, moved in October and have been dealing with the stress of waiting....waiting and waiting to find out whether or not my insurance company deems me worthy of being supported for Long Term Disability.

It is beyond stressful and is triggering every possible symptom under the sun......I have no income...and have bills to pay; my husband makes very little and we are actively trying to find him a job that pays better but to no avail.

I am bereft and feeling hopeless..It is a terribly humiliating and humbling experience to try and ask the insurance company for the benefits I have paid into for 19 years. And still I wait.......

I need prayers of support...if anyone believes, I would appreciate that.  I don't ask for much....but presently, it feels very much like the "honeymoon is over"; and I am drowning in my pain....

trying to see the light

October Is.....

My favourite time of the year for a lot of reasons, the changing seasons, the changing leaves, the crisp breeze in the air, Halloween, Thanksgiving (I am Canadian y'all..) but it is so much more.

Here are some of the pivotal dates in October that have shaped who I am;

1. Oct 5th, 1999: this was the date that I found my mother, aged 53, newly retired from teaching,  lifeless...slouched on her living room couch, remote control in hand.  She had suffered a massive heart attack and died instantly.  Funny thing is, I felt a sense of very strong "precognition"; ie. I HAD to visit her and see her after my busy day teaching High School Music and Drama.  So, that "tiny voice inside" said to visit her and see what was up.....and then, I found myself doing CPR and AR on her. My brain knew she had passed...but my heart refused to believe a and so I kept trying.  But it proved futile.  That image, of her lying helpless has seared my soul and left a pretty earth shattering effect on my spirit.  

2. Oct 15th, 2012: This was the date that my father passed away in his local hospital from the effects of pneumonia and likely from some  un diagnosed form of Cancer.  He was but a shell of the man I once knew, looked up to, revered.  He was a survivor, after years of being on his own as a child, and as that stoic, contemplative man later in life, he finally succumb to the troubles of his own body and mind.  

My father was a hoarder...and when I say hoarder, I don't mean that he "collected" things; I mean his house was a disaster, filth laden, chaotic, messy, full of dirt, animal waste, and so much more.  It really was a reflection of the deep depression he fell into after my mother passed away.  He was also suffering from some form of Dementia which meant he was really ornery and just plain mean to me during his last days....I regret that I couldn't say good bye to either of my parents when they died, they both died alone.  Seeing his withered body in his casket was heart wrenching....

3.  Oct 16th; this is my birthday....and it is bitter sweet. I used to LOVE having costume parties to celebrate life, my friends and just being plain creative and "artsy"; birthdays changes as we get older. This year though, I am tremendously lucky to have my life partner, my husband Cam by my side; and we will be moving into our new home on OCT 9th!! This will be a welcome new beginning, and provides a mobility friendly house for me....I will have all of the amenities I need on ONE FLOOR so that is what I am looking forward to.  I may not know what the future brings, but I am blessed to have Cam and my brother John, sister n law Heather, nephew Jack, niece Susy, and my extended Weaver/Clapham family.  I love them all so very much. 

I am also changing my last name....yep, a very traditional perspective.....but....one I look forward to.....I am hoping I can do this in October too!! 

Because then, I could find balance...and my Libran scales would be aligned ....and settled....something every Libran understands ....

Nothing to See Here!!

My logic centre is inherently flawed; and this has become particularly evident during my recent challenges with chronic illnesses and...ongoing challenges with those illnesses.  I have high anxiety about everything all the time.

Here are the pervasive themes:
1. Pain management and lack thereof
2. Finances and soon to be lack thereof
3. sleep or lack thereof
4. How to keep people around me happy...and convince them I am "fine".
5. Moving and maintaining relationships

All of those tend to meld together into a lot of "What Ifs"; which I know are beyond my control, and that is when my logic centre spins off the charts....and the anxiety wheel is perpetual and spinning non stop; and it brings on the following symptoms:

a) Decrease in sleep
b) Increase in pain
c) Increase in inflammation
d) Increase in depression
e) and just generally leaves me feeling like crap.

I need to work on managing all of the above because the anxiety stuff just wreaks havoc on me and leads to a sheer lack of motivation and forward movement.  So, my therapist and I fully understand that I need to work on living in the HERE and NOW; to not call it "mindfulness in meditation" because that just irks me...but....allow myself to live in the PRESENT because it is the only thing I can do and is within my grasp and...can be controlled.

I am going to try and do that.  We shall see how that goes.....but....chaos is familiar.....as much as that makes absolutely no sense to me.



I will have to remember this prayer to focus my new "normal".  Here is hoping I allow that to become my new familiar friend in this journey called life...... we shall see.



And going to work on this ...I like this quote!! maybe others will too!!!

Wedding Reception Worries!!!!

On Oct 3rd, my husband Cam and I are having a wedding reception for our family and friends who couldn't join us for our wedding in Mexico on July 25th.  I am excited for the following reasons:

1. I can trash my Weight Watchers plan for the day and pig out on lots of great food AND we have a sweet bar, so YAY.
2.  I will attempt to earn more than 3000 steps on my Fitbit by trying to Dance for the first time in YEARS; too much A.S. pain has stopped me hundreds of times prior; still not sure I will actually be doing what constitutes as dancing lol.
3.  I will see friends I haven't seen in years and be able to just celebrate their importance in my life!
4. Drinking...and lots of it...(or at least 3 drinks which is usually my limit...then I just get terribly verbose about nonsensical stuff).
5. Music will be pumping all night long...and as a music teacher...that is just plain awesome.
6.  It will be just a great time all around.

Reasons why I am NOT excited about the reception:

1. I will be stressed about the planning and organizing of the event, that it may put my body into a really bad flare; pacing is not something that comes naturally to me. Yet...
2.  I may not have ANY energy after the set up to actually move....period.....and may need my Walker/Rollator to do the simple things ...like shuffle to the food line at buffet time.

This is my trusty walker...helping me load flowers into my car

 

3.  I may need to leave the party early simply to sleep and recover from the set up, thereby leaving the party behind to fend for itself...and miss out on all the fun.
4.  I may become a big stress ball and not fit into the dress I have chosen; and or HATE all of the pictures of myself because I am HUGELY INFLAMMED from the pain.  Like my wedding pics....they were tough to look at.  don't get me wrong, I am happy to be alive...but sometimes the body betrays the spirit and soul.

Who knows...I will try not to worry and fret. But it is not in my nature lol I am a Type A personality, it is my genes; not just Aknylosying Spondylitis....and they battle it out to see who wins.....

For now, I am going to try to rest up much of this week ahead...do what I can to ensure that I have a great time and simply be grateful to even be able to have such a celebration.

I am really excited!!
Pictures to follow!!

July 4th, 2011 was EPIC

Today for #RABlogWeek participants are to discuss "Onset Stories"' or, how did you feel once you were diagnosed?? I had a lot of mixed emotions when that occurred for me.  Here is the back story for how that all evolved.

1. fell off cottage deck...sprained ankle horribly....evolved into a blood clot (DVT); left me off work for a year. That was July 4th, 2011 when it all went to crap...

2. During this year off, I decided to address the question.."why in the heck did a sprain evolve into something so awful? I have had far worse accidents? (ie. sky diving at 30...lol and tearing my ACL on my right leg).

3. Questions then evolved into addressing my perpetual lower back pain that has worsened over the years, getting an arthritis assessment, being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at first, then.....only to discover that I tested positive for HLA - B27 which is the genetic marker for A.S. ; Finally I had an answer as to why...I was hurting so badly each and every day.

I felt vindicated because now I had an answer! So, that being said...I knew that I need to tackle these illnesses head on. I would research EVERYTHING I could and then...find my CURE!!!

After 20 or so books later, several research studies online and several doctor's appointments I knew that I would not find that magical cure.  I have had A.S. my entire life...in my early 20s it first manifested as patella femoral syndrome ; this made Varsity level fencing VERY painful by the third year, so I have always known that something was different about me...have had MEGA allergies my entire life, broken three bones on my left arm, had numerous viral and bacterial infections and was always just called a "sickly person"; so that was my plight in life....no body every thought to investigate further.....

Until I was forced to.  Years of reading, years of seeing doctors and yet a Third,  Short Term Disability leave from work....have not resulted in me feeling any better; and there has been no magical cure.

I believe I am getting closer to "acceptance" of my plight in life, and of my illnesses....but it is tough. However, reaching out to others online, blogging, and sharing stories reminds me that I am not alone....and I will be able to navigate my way back to happy!!

I LOVE FENCING....and ARCHERY...and SWORDPLAY

I wish I could say the picture above was me, but it isn't...but is SO could have been just a few years ago...err ok 20 years ago; why...because that is when I was at my peak in terms of being physicallty fit.  I went from being a high school student who did nothing but study and play music and rehearse and perform theatre, to a full out Varsity Fencer for the Queen's University Varsity Fencing team in just a few years.  YUP; this artsy fartsy type loved Fencing.  And who wouldn't? you got to wield a weapon, wear cool outfits while doing so, AND hit people for SPORT!! I loved it...and I was really GOOD. This was a time in the early 1990s when women weren't "allowed to fence with a Sabre" but....my fencing master ..Hank Perdoel, saw something in me, and was scouting people from the Fencing Club to join the team...and so I did; and withing a few months I was even competing!! 

I placed 5th in Canada in the 1992 Nationals in Montreal...I was on FIRE and had the time of my life....I was loving it.  And that lead to exploring Archery and Swordplay with the Local LARP community and Renessaince Faire types...(yep, I am THAT girl lol) .  I loved every minute of feeling so active, alive, and in charge of my health.....even with back ache, it rocked!!! 

But then, life got complicated.....a job happened, in teaching....which I have loved, I moved a lot...I lost both of my parents early in my life, and early in theirs (mom died of a heart attack at 53, likely related to her undiagnosed A.S.; and dad just three years ago from Cancer); and all of that stress made having chronic illness that much more difficult to manage.....and here I am today, off work...trying to find a happy and healthy balance. 

Today we are to try and talk about Chronic Illness and Exercise....years ago I could have explained my weight training regime, my running regime, my Fencing drills and have it all laid out.....today is a very very different story.  Today, walking ....is my only real form of exercise, and it usually involves planning ahead, making sure my walker is with me, on flat surfaces...on my "ok days" and "in between flares".  I struggle I really do....I have a Fitbit that tracks my steps...I aim to hit 3000 a day; not the national standard of 10,000 because that is impossible.  Most days I hit that...and I celebrate; but some days it is impossible.

Some days I can be particularly active and do aqua fit with the lovely seniors or retirees in my area.  I stick out like a sore thumb...being so "young and vibrant...why aren't you at work?"; it is tough.....but the weightlessness is a delight...and for those 45mins twice a week...I feel invincible! And...feel like I could take on the world but then I have to get out of the pool and the harshness of gravity reminds me that I will always ...always....be in pain.

This is my new norm...and it is tough to come to terms with. But I celebrate the fact that I can at least get out of bed.......and that, is enough.