Fatty McFatterson.....and a bag of chips!

So, I have ceded defeat and have asked for a Bariatric Bypass surgery consult.....and just got my first call from the clinic; and have to attend my "first class" on Monday for whatever that may be about.....I honestly have no clue.

I have been overweight my entire life and..physically fit at various times throughout my life, even being overweight, and felt ok...but now I am not ok and the following things are impeding any real progress

1. Fibromyalgia and the severe chronic pain that accompanies that.
2. Ankylosing Spondylitis and the severe chronic pain that accompanies that.
3. Hypothyroidism and the metabolic difficulties that accompany that.

And I am tired....of being sick...and tired..and weighing far more than I should and I suppose I am grateful that the potential for surgery is in my future but I feel like a failure.

I feel like all of the diets, the cleanses, the fasting, the pills, nutritional supplements, the starving ....should have amounted to more; should have given me SOME reprieve from my pain, should have taken more than 5 lbs off of my frame at a time....but they never ever have.

This weight loss journey has taken a new turn and it terrifies me......I already feel so much shame about my invisible illnesses, now I need to add "gastric bypass" to the repertoire....

wish it didn't feel  like a failure, like the most humiliating thing I have ever done.....but it does.

And that makes me feel ...like Fatty McFatterson, the "lazy, bon bon eating, fatty who cannot say no to sugar"....

I will try to reinvent how I feel about this, about how I treat myself, about how to process this.....but for now, it just makes me feel blue.

hopefully I will find the joy in this journey.

How WORTHY am I?

Today I sit in my new house, which I had to purchase because I could no longer do the three flights of stairs in my old condo/townhouse...and I love the new house. Everything I need to access is on the main level and it is awesome........

What isn't awesome...is that I have been off work since Feb 2015 due to the chronic pain associated with my Ankylosing Spondylitis and Fibromyalgia.  It has been a harrowing year. I got married in July, moved in October and have been dealing with the stress of waiting....waiting and waiting to find out whether or not my insurance company deems me worthy of being supported for Long Term Disability.

It is beyond stressful and is triggering every possible symptom under the sun......I have no income...and have bills to pay; my husband makes very little and we are actively trying to find him a job that pays better but to no avail.

I am bereft and feeling hopeless..It is a terribly humiliating and humbling experience to try and ask the insurance company for the benefits I have paid into for 19 years. And still I wait.......

I need prayers of support...if anyone believes, I would appreciate that.  I don't ask for much....but presently, it feels very much like the "honeymoon is over"; and I am drowning in my pain....

trying to see the light