Fatty McFatterson.....and a bag of chips!

So, I have ceded defeat and have asked for a Bariatric Bypass surgery consult.....and just got my first call from the clinic; and have to attend my "first class" on Monday for whatever that may be about.....I honestly have no clue.

I have been overweight my entire life and..physically fit at various times throughout my life, even being overweight, and felt ok...but now I am not ok and the following things are impeding any real progress

1. Fibromyalgia and the severe chronic pain that accompanies that.
2. Ankylosing Spondylitis and the severe chronic pain that accompanies that.
3. Hypothyroidism and the metabolic difficulties that accompany that.

And I am tired....of being sick...and tired..and weighing far more than I should and I suppose I am grateful that the potential for surgery is in my future but I feel like a failure.

I feel like all of the diets, the cleanses, the fasting, the pills, nutritional supplements, the starving ....should have amounted to more; should have given me SOME reprieve from my pain, should have taken more than 5 lbs off of my frame at a time....but they never ever have.

This weight loss journey has taken a new turn and it terrifies me......I already feel so much shame about my invisible illnesses, now I need to add "gastric bypass" to the repertoire....

wish it didn't feel  like a failure, like the most humiliating thing I have ever done.....but it does.

And that makes me feel ...like Fatty McFatterson, the "lazy, bon bon eating, fatty who cannot say no to sugar"....

I will try to reinvent how I feel about this, about how I treat myself, about how to process this.....but for now, it just makes me feel blue.

hopefully I will find the joy in this journey.